Today is the day I have lived in Sheffield for 450 days. Also, it is the day I tested positive for COVID-19. The second I saw the positive result; my first thought was: this must be a prank! I have survived the worst several months in England, how can I be sick right now? I booked another test immediately as the instructions I was given, but the result won’t be released until at least 24 hours later.
The follow-up feelings and thoughts are even worse than being tested positive, if that’s possible. First, I just met with my friend, Jiajia, one hour ago, who plans to go back to China in 7 days to meet her dying grandfather. I feel extremely guilty because she will not be able to get on the plane if she is infected by me. Second, I need to self-isolate for 10 days in my little apartment.
I know I can still talk to my families and friends in China through video chats. But when you are living in another time zone alone, it feels more like a whole other world, especially when the situation and government policies are quite different.
When coronavirus just broke out in China, I was in Sheffield because I wanted to focus on my assignments. Besides, I thought I would only leave for one year so it doesn’t matter for just a winter. My parents said I dodged a bullet for staying so I could go back home after everything got better. At that time, we thought that would be some time in the spring. Unfortunately, the first lockdown started in March when everything was getting better in China. Again, I did not leave Sheffield because I did not want to mess up the situation in China or expose myself to more dangerous situations by travelling. My flatmates and I bought a lot of food before the official lockdown so we did not need to go out. But to be honest, none of us dared to go outside, especially after we heard about some Chinese students being attacked because some people thought coronavirus was brought to England by Chinese. I lived in an ensuite room in a 5 bedroom flat, but only 3 of my flatmates continued to stay during the lockdown. We did not talk about this, but I felt we avoided to stay in the shared kitchen with each other at the same time. So, we all spent a lot of time in our own bedrooms. It was one of the few weeks when the weather was delightful in England, which you know how rare it is, but I had to stay inside. All the good weather I could enjoy was a square of the sky when I look out through the only window in my room.
One of the few things could bring me comfort during the first lockdown was talking to my boyfriend, who works at a local school. He encouraged me to think positive and try to think things will be better very soon. At that time, we thought it will be over before this Christmas.
Well, you see what is happening now.
During the past 12 months, I sometimes feel like I am being torn up by two different worlds. The first world consists of people I love and care for so many years, who also love and care about me deeply. However, during at least 8 hours of the day, this world is sleeping, while I’m staying in another world, experiencing the fears and worries they do not know by myself. What is more, because schools remain to open now, my boyfriend needs to work on weekdays so we can only meet each other on weekends. I moved to a studio instead of an ensuite so I can join his support bubble but that also means I can only meet Jiajia, my only Chinese friend who is still staying in Sheffield, for grocery shopping once a week. In brief, I am wandering around in this world alone for most of the time. To some extent, I may feel lonelier than before since I cannot run into any flatmates anymore and the night is getting longer and longer when winter is approaching.
I thought about leaving the world I’m living in right now, but I’m also worried about the possibility of not being able to go back to this world easily since the polices are changing every day. Besides, I don’t want the high risks and expenses I need to experience to be a burden to my family. I tried to keep exercising and it did help me cry less than I did during the first lockdown, but when the holiday is coming, I feel more and more depressed.
Today, the positive result I received became the last straw making me collapse. I do not want to blame my boyfriend, even though he is the one who infected me. I understand he is taking his responsibilities for the students. I just hope I could be more cautious about meeting with my friend even if I tested negative 2 days ago and have no symptoms right now. All my guiltiness and loneliness broke out altogether and I could not stop crying after getting the result. Finally, I texted my friend to say I am sorry and texted my parents the result. My friend responded very quickly and she said: “It is ok, I can postpone my flight. And maybe I am okay since we did not contact for too long.” She also asked if I have enough food for the self-isolation and told me do not be too nervous about it. My parents responded by video calls and they told me if life is too difficult then I can always go back to the same world to live with them for a while without any concerns.
And that is all that happened to me today. I know usually stories need to have a happy ending, no matter how depressing it was before the ending. But sometimes life does not work in that way. The truth is, life may not get better at the time you expect it to be and it definitely cannot be better in just one day. However, people who love you will continue to love you and people are willing to understand and support each other during this difficult time. I saw a slogan during the first lockdown but maybe I just understood it today – “we are waves of the same sea, leaves of the same tree, and flowers of the same garden”.
